I feel so exposed.

So . . . vulnerable.

I could try to squirm away, yeah, but he's a lot stronger than me. And faster. I sure don't want to make him mad at me, I don't know where that goes. I want him to love me.

I'm helpless.

Waiting. Damn, I know what's coming I just don't know when and I don't --

A searing pain on my ass. A tear comes into my eye and I wanna cry. He spanked my ass. My skin is supposed to be soft and delicate to touch, something he wants to touch, a nice soft touch. Instead he --

ow ow. My eyes are filling with tears. That hurts.

It's pain and violence. Does he hate me? Does he hate all women? I don't understand. Maybe he just wants me to feel his control. I don't think he knows why -- he just spanks me when he feels like it.

And the next spank is coming. I wait. Fearful. Dreading.

And wait. The anxiety is killing me.

I feel him lifting his hand. A swift movement . . . then nothing. Scaring me. BUT I KNOW IT'S COMING, sooner or later. This waiting is horrible. I wish he would just spank me. No I don't, dammit.

I feel him lifting his hand. I hope he's just faking . . .

More tears, more pain, more humiliation. I feel so helplessness. That this is happening, that this is my life, that this is who we are as a couple.

If it was just symbolic, I would still feel controlled and humiliated. My ass high in the air. Him in complete control. Him able to

OW! DAMMIT! OW! THAT HURTS. He hit my other cheek, and now my whole ass feels on fire.

So it could be symbolic, yeah, if he wantedd that, and then he wouldn't have to hit me so hard. A small little snap, a little pain, mostly just a symbol, to

GOD! FUCKING! DAMMIT! I know my ass is a bright red. Does he like looking at that? If he keeps going, it's going to hurt to sit down. I am going to make sure every button is always buttoned. From now on I'm going to look perfect. He'll –

That hurt so much. I cannot see through my tears.

He can humiliate and control me without hurting me so much. Or maybe then it would just be a game. This way – I tense and cringe, but he lifts his hand and doesn't hit me. It hink he's finally done, had his fill, sated whatever mad desire was driving him.

The pain he gave me made his control real. Too real. There was no practical way to avoid him using my body for his emotional needs.

And now he will hold me up, and we'll cuddle. Thoroughly spanked and punished, I'm now a person worth being nice to. And his sadism, or whatever it is, is gone. He will hug me, a hug as strong as his spanking and fueled with as much energy and need.

And his hug will soothe my pain, and make me feel protected and cared for.

I want that little spark of anger inside me to go away. I can't express my anger, so I have to hold it in, but that just makes it harder for me to feel his love. So I will ignore it – it does not exist, I deserved this punishment. I'm wrong to feel angry when he is being so loving.

I feel him softly rubbing the skin on my ass. It's gentle; he is enjoying the feeling. It's sore and feels good at the same time. I feel his hand on my panties, starting to pull them up. I turn around to look at him, tears still in my eyes and a shaky smile on my face.

OW! FUCK! I start to cry, loud sobs, the tears running out of my eyes. I give up.